I hate rollercoasters. Aside from the fact that I’m deathly afraid of heights, I also hate the feeling of going from a sudden high to a sudden low. You coast through the flat parts knowing what’s about to come and you can feel yourself slowly ascending to the top of a hill, and the momentum builds until you reach the top. It pauses slightly before hurtling down, and you scream. Your body feels as if it’s about to be wrenched from your seat as nothing but a thin buckle keeps you anchored in place. And as you reach the bottom, you feel drained, the feeling of almost dying to death electrocutes your body.

I rather prefer the carousel. It’s like riding in a dream. Pastel painted horses prancing slowly to music. The pace is gentle and kind. But carousels are for children. And life is not gentle nor kind.

AM told me that he’s dating someone else- and that he wants to try being polygamous and still wanted to be with me at the same time. I felt like was riding the rollercoaster, at the top of the hill, paused, and looking down on the inevitable ride down. I felt my breathing become panicked, my body felt as though it was about to die. We never did talk about being exclusive, in all those 3.5 years of dating.

There was a bunch of other things that we talked about and he became vulnerable, we spoke honestly for the first time. But I could feel all my old demons coming back. “I’m not good enough,” one said. “He’s going to use then leave me for her.” said another, “Don’t trust him, he’s like the rest of them.” one whispered. AM told me over and over, “You have nothing to be worried about” Tell that to my demons.

I’m tired. I keep going back and forth on what I should do. Should I leave? Or should I take a risk and try this? I think back on the 3.5 years we had, and he has been nothing but consistent and honest. On one hand this could make our relationship stronger, on the other, it could break it. I don’t know if I’m ready to ride the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough.