As of now, I am still in a relationship with AM. As of now he is also in a relationship with another person.
I got a text from him last week while he’s away visiting family.
“Just because I don’t always call or text, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you.”
He hardly ever texts while he’s away because he likes to be off the grid. And the fact that he texted me that was groundbreaking.
“I miss you.” I texted.
“I miss you too!” He replied back.

I felt a moment of happiness seeing that, but my mind goes to “He’s probably texting her the same thing.”

Does 4.5 years matter to him? Did everything we went through mean anything to him? Those Covid years, the years of seeing him every week consistently- the way we kiss, the passionate sex, going to shows, laughing, getting drunk, our long talks late into the night. Does it mean anything to him? I’m not sure. Is what I value what he values?

He tells me that “I don’t have to worry” But I do worry. Do I trust him? Sometimes. He’s never done anything that was untrustworthy, he’s always been consistently trustworthy. But yet, I feel a sense of dread in me. I’m scared. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to get hurt. But I love him. I love him so much it scares me.