Who: N (45, Taurus, Newly Separated, 2 kids, Preppy polo shirt, nice hair, cute face)
Where: K-Town (32nd Street, NYC)

I’ve been there before. I’m watching N singing heavy metal songs at a small, hidden karaoke bar on 32nd street between two Korean BBQ joints. As soon as he sat down, he immediately made friends with the couple next to him as I ordered us drinks to pay him back for our pre-dinner drinks and dinner. As I ordered two vodka sodas, I watch him out of the corner of my eye- He’s excited, he’s elated to be out. He seems happy because everything is new, and anything is possible- I am his second online date.

I met N two weeks ago on Tinder. He contacted me first.

“Hey there! Your profile looks cool. Do you play bass???”

“Yes, I do.” I replied, “I play bass for a post-punk band but I used to play stoner rock, shoegaze, and indie in my old bands”. We chatted about music we liked, I found out he used to play drums in a metal band. (Very common for me, I always match with Drummers- *shrug* must be a percussion-section-bond thing since I play bass)  We chatted about light subjects- like how the weather in New York is absolutely terrible (always raining and humid during this summer), our jobs (Him: Financial Advisor, Me: Graphic Designer, what kind of foods we like (Him: Japanese and Thai, Me: Japanese and Vietnamese- me), etc..

After a few days of chatting, curious, I asked him, “So what’s your deal? Why on you here- and how is Tinder treating you?”

“Well..” he typed, “I’m new, and, just to let you know- newly separated. I was married for 18 years and it was weird, even though I was “with someone” it was always lonely.”

I understand. I know exactly what that feeling is like. That feeling of someone being there-physically, lying in bed next to you at night, cuddling you, but feeling that they’re not completely there, or that you’re not there either.

“Tinder is ok I guess..” he continued, “I’m still getting used to it, so far I’m chatting with really nice and cool people- but I’m not really getting as many matches, is my profile ok? Do you have any suggestions?”

Thinking: Suggestions? Yeah, Run away… run far, far away. Let this sail out, then light this motherfucking ship on fire.

“Well,” I wrote back, “you could put up more photos! You’re lacking the basic photos that everyone seems to have- the gym selfie, the “partying-with-a-bunch-of-people-so-I-look-really-sociable-and-have-tons-of-friends” photo, photo with a motorcycle, the artistic black and white “looking contemplative” photo (works well if you show off your tattoo/tattoos), the here-i-am-with-a-child-but-don’t-worry-it’s-just-my-niece/nephew-photo, and my favorite.. the “look-at-me-i’m-a-musician-playing-my-instrument” photo…” I continued, “That’s it!! You play drums! You’re the most desirable of all the musicians!! You need to put up a photo of you playing drums… chicks will swipe right while creaming in their pants!!!”

“LOL” N replied. “So uh… when do we get to meet?”

Back to K-town…N is singing Slayer’s “Show No Mercy” with the guy next to him that he made friends with 5 minutes ago- and I’m impressed. He has a cute face, a nice body, a full set of hair, his personality is easygoing, he’s sociable, he’s smart, he’s sharp and he’s witty.

Back when we were eating dinner (Korean BBQ a few doors down) he asked me, “How did you end up on these dating sites?” I hesitated, chewing a mouthful of BBQ beef tongue. I didn’t want to reveal that I’ve been online dating for a little over 2 years. 2 years of dating, 2 years of swiping, 2 years of texting, 2 years of after-work drink dates, 2 years of hookups, 2 years of short week-long “relationships.”  I swallowed my food, “Well…” I answered, “to make things short, I was in a long-term relationship-8 years to be exact- he cheated on me, so we broke up, and here I am.” I said, “I understood completely what you were saying when you said that it was lonely, I experienced the same thing. The last few years of my relationship, I checked out… I think we both did. So, I’ve been dating around…it’s amazing and terrible. Amazing because I’m figuring out what I want and learning more about myself in the meantime. Terrible because it’s really difficult to find a real connection with someone.” “And,” I added, nodding my head, my eyes wide, “There’s a lot of crazies out there… You just need to be careful.”

N is back up again singing a Metallica song. He’s belting out the high notes like a pro. We are on our 2nd vodka soda (and our 4th drink of the night). Earlier I sang a Bangles song (my go-to karaoke song “In Your Room”, only because I love Susanna Hoffs, and not because I’m trying to send N subliminal messages or anything). N sits back down grinning, “This is great! I’m having so much fun.. You’re a really fun time.” I’m laughing and joking with him while we continue singing. (Me: Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and later Fleetwood Mac “Dreams” Him: Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” and later Metallica’s “Fade To Black”)

Some time in-between songs, I watched him, thinking, maybe this guy would be good for me. He seems like the kind of guy my mom and my friends would like me to end up with- professional, a good job, adult, down to earth. True- he did reveal to me that “dressing down” to him was wearing polo shirts which clashes with my worn rock t-shirts and leather leggings with motorcycle boots. I imagined dating him, meeting his kids, then becoming their step-mom. Ugh. I’m not sure if I’m step-mom material, I thought, as I guiltily chugged my 5th drink of the night.

It was 10:30pm and getting pretty late, N lived in CT and take the Metro-North, so we started wrapping it up. Sometime between the door and the train station, I stopped, and looked at him. “Hey… Do you, do you want to make out?” He looked at me and grinned, “Ok…”

We are making out on 32nd street after eating Korean BBQ and singing karaoke. N is a good kisser, and I run my hands through his hair. “I don’t want to leave yet,” he whispers, his eyes closed, “Let’s get another drink.” We pop into a whiskey bar and order one more drink, then proceed to make out.  He stops and looks at me “This is the first time in 18 years I’ve kissed someone besides my ex-wife!” “Oh… uh…” I reply, “Well I’m sorry?” I laugh nervously. “It’s good” he grins, “It’s fine…” He closes his eyes and kisses me again. We make out for another hour then head out. He drops me off at my station, we kiss and say our goodbyes. I watch him walk away- he looks excited, he’s elated to be out. He seems happy because everything is new, and anything is possible. I was his second online date.

I never hear from him after that. And it’s ok, because after two years- I’m used to this.